Last week I accidentally took an edible at 10x my usual dose. I say “accidentally” but it was really more of a “my friend held it out to my face and I impulsively swallowed it like a python”, which was technically on purpose but still an accident in that my squamate instincts acted faster than my ability to assess the situation and ask myself if I really wanted to get Atreides high or not.
Anyway. I was painting the wall when it hit. My friend heard me make a noise and asked what was wrong—I explained that I had just fallen through several portals. I realized that painting the wall fulfilled my entire hierarchy of needs, and was absolutely sure that I was on track to escaping the cycle of samsara if I just kept at it a little longer. I was thwarted on my journey towards nirvana only by the fact that I ran out of paint.
Seeking a surrogate act of humble service through which I might be redeemed and made human, I turned to unwashed dishes in the sink and took up the holy weapon of the sponge. I was partway through cleaning the blender when it REALLY hit.
You ever clean a blender? It’s a shockingly intimate act. They are complex tools. One of the most complicated denizens of the kitchen. Glass and steel and rubber and plastic. Fuck! They’ve got gaskets. You can’t just scrub ‘em and rinse them down like any other piece of shit dish. You’ve got to dissemble them piece by piece, groove by sensitive groove, taking care to lavish the spinning blades with cautious attention. There’s something sensual about it. Something strangely vulnerable.
As I stood there, turning the pieces over in my hands, I thought about all the things we ask of blenders. They don’t have an easy job. They are hard laborers taking on a thankless task. I have used them so roughly in my haste for high-density smoothies, pushing them to their limits and occasionally breaking them. I remembered the smell of acrid smoke and decaying rubber that filled the kitchen in the break room the last time I tried to make a smoothie at work—the motor overtaxed and melted, the gasket cracked and brittle. Strawberry slurry leaked out of it like the blood of a slain animal.
Was this blender built to last? Or was it doomed to an early grave in some distant landfill by the genetic disorder of planned obsolescence? I didn’t know, and was far too high to make an educated guess. But I knew that whatever care and tenderness and empathy I put into it, the more respect for the partnership of man and machine, the better it would perform for me.
This thought filled me with a surge of affection. However long its lifespan, I wanted it to be filled with dignity and love and understanding. I thought: I bet no one has hugged this blender before. And so I lifted it from its base.
A blender is roughly the size and shape of a human baby. Cradling one in your arms satisfies a primal need. A month ago I was permitted to hold an infant for the first time in my life, an experience which was physically and psychologically healing. I felt an echo of that satisfaction holding my friend the blender, and the thought of parting with it felt even more ridiculous than bringing it with me to hang out on my friend’s bed.
Bruce Wayne, sitting in a cute eco-friendly cafe while on a video call with Tim: Oh Noooo, are you sure there’s no way the board of directors will let us get rid of this old decrepit Wayne Factory building that is unsafe for our workers and also for the surrounding environment?
CEOTim, with equal gravitas: No, I’m afraid they just won’t budge. It technically meets legal requirements on paper, and we can’t prove that the chemicals affecting the local ecosystem are from the out-of-date drainage system… they’re saying it would cost too much to fix the place up too, which is ridiculous, because we’re us, but our hands are tied…
Bruce, full Brucie himbo mode: Oh I just feel so SAD for all the sweet fluffy animals and the pretty flowers and especially our hard workers dealing with such unsafe conditions… I think I’ll give them all a nice short vacation this weekend, so the ENTIRE PLACE will be EMPTY and SHUT DOWN from FRIDAY TO TUESDAY, the SECURITY SYSTEM WILL BE DOWN because it’s just so GLITCHY, I’m sure no one will do anything about the ENVIRONMENTAL STAIN ON OUR COMPANIES NAME THAT WILL BE COMPLETELY ABANDONED FROM FRIDAY TO TUESDAY- Timmy do you think I’m being too subtle?
Tim, snickering: no no you’re doing great Bruce I’m sure they’ve got it
Poison Ivy, on a date the next table over: ( ‘-‘)-☕️
Harley, through tears of repressed laughter: so… we doing anythin’ this weekend?
lmao fucking tumblr staff bastards took away the only one to easily get a direct link to a post without having to go through the stupid dashboard/tracking version. they’re completely phasing out individual blog pages
Tips for Starting and Stopping Chapters, Plus FAQs
Even if you have the most exciting, engaging ideas for your novel, you might struggle to write it because you have to deal with chapters. These are a few of the most frequently asked questions about chapters and a few tips that might help you overcome manuscript challenges.
How Many Chapters Should a Book Have?
Unfortunately, there’s no straightforward answer to this question. Genres and intended audiences influence manuscript word counts. Younger readers will need shorter chapters to keep their interest and older readers might prefer longer chapters that dive deep into conflict or theme.
Storytelling elements also change the number of chapters per book. A fast-paced novel might have more short chapters to keep up the faster narrative pace. A slower novel might linger in wordier scenes, so there could be fewer chapters with longer page counts per chapter.
You can always look at comparable novels in the same genre to guestimate how many your manuscript could include. If you’re writing a Twilight-inspired novel in the same fantasy genre and Twilight has 26 chapters in a ~110,000 word count range, you could aim for a similar number.
What’s the Purpose of Chapters?
Chapters divide longer stories into segments that help readers process new plot events. They give people breathing room to digest heavier topics or moments by pausing or putting the book down to do other things for a while.
They also give more weight to cliffhanger moments or events made to shock readers. Even if they immediately flip the page to keep reading, the momentary pause lends gravity and meaning to whatever ends the chapter before.
Tips for First Chapters
Include Some Action
The first line of every chapter doesn’t need to be a dramatic car chase scene, but the chapter in its entirety should include some plot-moving action. It hooks readers and gets your pacing started.
Add Emotional Weight
Action can only intrigue readers so much. What’s the emotional weight compelling your protagonist to take part in, react to, or fight back against your inciting incident? Establish some emotional weight in the first chapter to motivate your protagonist, like showing how much they love their sister before getting betrayed by her in the inciting incident.
Avoid Infodumping
Readers don’t need to know everything about your world-building or protagonist in the first chapter. The infodumping only weighs down your pace. Sprinkle your descriptions and reveals throughout the first act of your book to keep readers coming back to learn more about the world.
Tips for Starting a Chapter
Introduce a Choice
Choices help stories move along at a pace that keeps readers engaged. If your protagonist is stuck in their head for most of a chapter, there’s nothing pushing your story forward. Always include at least one choice when starting a chapter, whether it’s big or small.
Keep Expanding Your Conflict
Every chapter should expand your primary conflict in some way. It might affect newly introduced characters, change your protagonist’s world, or require a sacrifice. As long as your conflict is relevant to your chapter in some way, your story will always remain true to its thematic purpose.
Remember Your Cause-and-Effect
An initial chapter sets up or introduces a conflict that gets your plot moving. If you’re unsure what to do in the following chapter, use it to address the effects of that previous chapter’s conflict. Although the conflict likely won’t get resolved that quickly, you can still write about your characters’ choices post-conflict or how the world changes in a way that affects their futures.
Tips for Ending a Chapter
Experiment With Your Endings
I used to be afraid of ending a chapter without some shocking, groundbreaking plot twist. Althought that’s a great place to put those moments, it’s not plausible to end every chapter with one. Where would your readers feel comfortable pausing for the night? When would they feel the quiet sanctity of peaceful moments where characters build trust between themselves?
Play around with your endings by refusing to be afraid to cut your manuscript into segments. If one doesn’t feel right during your read-through, you can always merge it into the next chapter and cut them differently during editing.
Use It to Shift Your Story
When your story needs to change times of day, locations, or perspectives, that’s usually a good sign that you need a page or chapter break. It’s not always necessary, but these are the types of chapter breaks that give readers breathing room.
Again, you can always re-work your chapters during editing if you find that they aren’t ending in the right places during your first few read-throughs.
Ramp Up Your Tension
Who says chapters always have to end on a cliffhanger? You can also end them when the action or tension is becoming more intense. When two characters are in the car on the way to rob a bank, they argue over whether or not to actually shoot people. One character’s eagerness and the other’s disgust raises the tension. As it escalates into them yelling in the parking lot, the chapter can end when one leaves the car and slams the door.
Ending on a moment of heightened tension is another reason readers turn pages and stay engaged. In the above case, they might not be able to put the book down until they find out if the robbery resulted in murder.
—–
Starting and stopping chapters can cause plenty of anxiety, but remember—you’re always in control of your manuscript. Play around with these ideas and make any necessary changes in your editing phases. You’ll figure out the best way to organize your story by chapters and develop more confidence in your long-form storytelling abilities.
gotta say i don’t like how many “how to pass ftm” guides are straight up just like. be monotone and uninterested and don’t engage in your “feminine” hobbies and don’t wear bright colors and don’t be polite and don’t smile at people and don’t show emotion ever. like how precisely is this a healthy thing to be teaching people (especially the young people these are often targeted at)??? i am a bubbly boy. a cheerful chap. a merry man. a good-humored guy. a glowing gent. a veritable ray of fucking sunshine and i am NOT toning that down!!!! fuck you!!!!!!!
yes!!! you absolutely can!!!!!!! our political oppressors want us at best downtrodden to the point of self-imposed invisibility and at worst DEAD so the best thing YOU can do is be loudly, riotously, joyously trans!!! our happiness is both a weapon against those that seek to destroy us and a shield against everything they throw our way. go spread love and joy and transsexuality <333
gotta say i don’t like how many “how to pass ftm” guides are straight up just like. be monotone and uninterested and don’t engage in your “feminine” hobbies and don’t wear bright colors and don’t be polite and don’t smile at people and don’t show emotion ever. like how precisely is this a healthy thing to be teaching people (especially the young people these are often targeted at)??? i am a bubbly boy. a cheerful chap. a merry man. a good-humored guy. a glowing gent. a veritable ray of fucking sunshine and i am NOT toning that down!!!! fuck you!!!!!!!
yes!!! you absolutely can!!!!!!! our political oppressors want us at best downtrodden to the point of self-imposed invisibility and at worst DEAD so the best thing YOU can do is be loudly, riotously, joyously trans!!! our happiness is both a weapon against those that seek to destroy us and a shield against everything they throw our way. go spread love and joy and transsexuality <333
ALT
ALT
